The night before the “informal disciplinary” meeting

Truth be told. I don’t  even know what I want to say here. I met one of the staff from the site that I got in trouble with tonight. He said that from what he has seen, I have been locking the doors when I’m out. So at least there’s one person from that site that knows, although I’m sure locking the doors isn’t the main concern here.

Feels like I’m under a lot of pressure at the moment on top of work . I’m going to have to send home $600 a month for my brother’s idea. I’m against it and I suggested other options but he decided to go ahead with it and made mum go along with it too. It’s always been like this and I’m just about to let it all go. Abandon ship! But they really need me to even start the plan. And if I don’t obey, my mum will probably play the ‘I paid for your education’ card, which is fair enough. It’s fair enough because it’s true she spent a majority of her life working to get money to pay for my education. But what she’s asking me to do I personally think is fundamentally wrong and totally initiated by my brother.

I flew to NZ to mainly get away from him. To be utterly honest, I don’t want much to do with him. He did teach me a few things. He taught me how to beat up someone 14 years younger than you when they don’t listen to you.  He taught me that as long as someone is a minor, you can blame them for whatever you’ve done because they can’t get into trouble with the police. He also taught me how to make a loving and dedicated mother cry because of her son. Thanks to him, I’ve learnt that living at home with my mum is totally okay as long as you’re single and don’t ever get to stay at one workplace for more than a year. If he sees this, he’ll certainly ring me up and say how I shouldn’t diss him online because everyone can read it.

Well, if it wasn’t true, I wouldn’t have written about it.

Seven more hours to go before the meeting. Better get some sleep.

From today…

From today, I’m going to start a blog. Thanks to WordPress, I get to own a blog for free. For that I’m grateful. I am going to use this blog as part of my headspace –  like an internal thinking station that is external.

I will be writing about anything that comes to my mind and the fantastic things that happen in my everyday life.

What happened today was probably what triggered me to get a blog. I feel like I got so many things to say but I can’t seem to find the right way to express myself.

I got a call from work today – my direct manager told me that one of the sites I work at is not happy with my performance. That they still think I’m not locking the door to the office when no one is there. I mean, I do. I have locked it every time when no one is in the office. Why wouldn’t I? I have worked as a  security guard. My security sense is probably higher than some other staff working there. I don’t hold anything against my direct manager at all. She is only relaying the message. She is probably the hardest working manager I have met, ever.

Anyway, personally I think not having the front door locked solely can hardly be thought of as a performance issue. So there must be something else that’s bugging them. My guess would be because I was trying to help this guy with some anxiety issues. I don’t know how much I can talk about it here. But this guy basically worries about how other people perceive him all the time. So he quite often doesn’t feel like going out. He thinks that random strangers could randomly shove him into a lamp post and gets him hospitalized. I mean, he is not completely wrong. Random strangers in the street do have the capability and the probability to do that to him. But chances are as unlikely as the end of the world coming tomorrow and the four horsemen knocking on my front door tonight.

So this phone call I have received from my manager today has told me that I won’t be working at that site for a little while. I really don’t know what to make of it. I am aware that we, as support workers, are not supposed to give advice to the service users.  But seeing a guy who is in his prime years being too afraid to go out and live his life just makes me want to do something to help him. I wasn’t exactly giving him advice anyway. I was helping him to analyze his fears and dissect them with logic. I have told him that if he believes his anxiety problem is not permanent then he can have more room for creativity and improvement and have something to base on. It’s because if he thinks that his anxiety problem is going to stick with him for the rest of his life then he has little to fight with. I’ve told him that this is like in an exam, you want to aim for an A+ instead of for a B+ because if you aim higher you achieve higher. I spent over 12 hours on the last weekend with this guy. Chatting, going for walks and playing board games. I think I’m nuts for thinking that I could possibly making a difference as a support worker. The common phenomenon at work seems to be that we are only there to make sure they take the right pills, they know when meals are ready and make sure the place is tidy for their comfort. Way to recovery.

They called me to a meeting scheduled on this Friday… I had already started working on my CV after the phone call.